Beginning Here, Beginning Now, By Heather Nielsen
Breathing in, I notice my body filled with energy and life. Breathing out, I smile. Fingers on the keyboard, spring breezes, buds and birdsongs outside my window, I ask myself what needs saying here in this first Substack post. It feels that there is so much noise, so much sharing, so much cognitive clutter these days, I firmly believe more of us need to spend less time engaging outwardly with others’ opinions and versions of “truth” (sad that I feel the need to put that in quotes…) - and we need more time tuning INWARD, noticing breath, body, thoughts and emotions, and learning to self manage. There’s so much criticism and virtue signaling and righteousness on all “sides” of humanity these days, and I don’t want to risk anything I write being mis-interpreted…..And, Yet! Here I am! Trusting that - as other writers’ words touch me, perhaps even one person might find company in my musings. Trusting that we need connection and community, compassion and catharsis, love and hope more than ever in my lifetime, and if I stay in my own bubble, I’m denying myself and others the possibility of growth through such a connection as this. SO! Here I begin.
Yesterday, I spent the day with a dear book-loving friend at the Columbia Gorge Book Festival. Surrounded by other readers and lovers of writing, I re-membered (felt this in my body!) that others’ written words have saved me at many junctures. My intention in writing here in Substack (the only space I deem safe enough for my nervous system to spend on the internet these days) is to write about my own journey, and what I am learning; to share tools and teachings as I have digested and metabolized them to make my life more meaningful, authentic, joyful and free; to give hope and share love and inspire perseverance. Thank you to all the writers before me who have given me the same!
My Mindfulness Journey (so far)
In February 2025, I completed a two-year Mindfulness and Compassion Teaching Certification Program, led by Tara Brach, Jack Kornfield and a host of other impressively wise meditation teachers and spiritual leaders. This course felt like the advanced practice and guidance I have sought ever since I found these wisdom-based teachings. I’ve been practicing meditation on/off since 2002 when I completed an 8-week MBSR course which opened my heart-mind-body to the awareness of how unaware I was most of the time!! I wondered - why is this not taught to everyone, everywhere?! I knew I’d eventually be an evangelist of mindfulness at some point when I felt ready.
At its most basic, MBSR helped me understand how frequently I was not mindful (worrying, planning, anticipating, feeling anxious about the future; ruminating, regretting, rehearsing, reviewing things in the past). I tasted freedom and joy unfurl like I had never known in my adult life. (I was 32 yrs old, living with Type 1 diabetes, working in a dream job as a diabetes education specialist, pregnant with my first child, and 4 months into what I suspected even then was a doomed marriage - I had a lot of room to benefit from these practices, and a long history of being in denial about what was really happening in my mind/heart/body). When I left my first 8 hour silent retreat, I had a deep longing to run away from my life, and into a spiritual seclusion where I could explore these teachings fully and exclusively, dedicating myself to learning and be-ing in a new way. Away from the problems of my human day to day dramas, thoughts, feelings.
Wherever You Go, There You Are says it all. Sure, I could have run away - I had already made several major life changes at that point - career, relationship, location - and change didn’t scare me. Maybe staying was actually where I needed the growth…? Maybe the change was…..inside me??
I didn’t run away to be a spiritual renunciant, but rather committed to learning these practices as I could in the life I was living, in the relationships and realities I had at that moment. Life gave me plenty of opportunities to practice.
23 years later, I’m still deeply committed to these practices. In the web of life, I see everything as relationship. Diabetes was my first child, the one which never grows up, and it teaches me every day if I am open to learning. My type 1 diabetes is now 28 years old and still needs my constant care and attention if I want to live well and align with my values. I still need the web of support of others who live with T1DM to remind me I am not alone in my struggles. When I tend lovingly and mindfully to my diabetes (and all things related to it - this loving attention generally gives me back more peace, ease and health. Not in the form of perfect blood glucose patterns, but in the deep knowing that “this moment is just like this” and I am doing the best I can in this moment -that’s all there is. The deep trust that I can walk evenly on the very uneven ground that is autoimmune diabetes. The very uneven ground that is LIFE.
If diabetes has been my child, I see meditation as my Wise Teacher. When I sit (or walk, or lie down) to meditate it might be to seek clarity on a question, cultivate calm with a worry, or lately, restore my heart through practices of compassion, sympathetic joy, lovingkindness, and equanimity (the Divine Abodes as taught in Buddhist tradition). I make time for this not because it always feels good, but because it is Nourishment for my Soul. And in nourishing this truest part of me, my physical body, relationships, and life in general just flow better, too. I don’t like broccoli, but I eat it because it nourishes me. I do like meditation, but not always. Some days it feels like eating broccoli. My body and spirit thank me for it.
Love as a Guiding Value
I feel self conscious in calling myself a meditation teacher, as what feels more true is that I am a Student and Practitioner. I do facilitate meditations weekly with the nonprofit DiabetesSangha (come join us if you live with T1DM and are curious!), and I share mindfulness and neuroplasticity tools in the functional medicine practice I co-own with my husband. What I really want to share with everyone, as naive as this may sound, is that LOVE and COMPASSION are what we need to be cultivating more of, more than anything else. It is the foundation of Safety (without loving connections, how can we feel safe in the world?) - Satisfaction (without loved ones to share our joys and successes, how satisfying are they? and Connection (the essence of love; Barbara Friederickson’s definition of Love 2.0 is so fabulous - Love is Micromoments of Positivity Resonance). I look to leaders such as Martin Luther King Jr, Mahatma Ghandi, Jesus of Nazareth, and Siddartha - and closer in, to personal teachers Steve Alper, Laura Martin, Denise Gour, Jack Kornfield, Tara Brach, Cynthia Wilcox, Alison Cohen - closest in, to my beautiful daughters, devoted husband and closest friends- to remind me that love is not a weak, schmarmy, romantic swooning - it is CHOICE, it is action, it is dedication, it is a powerful force for good. For mercy. For healing. For growth. For Life.
What about Hope?
At the book festival yesterday, a panel of journalists was asked “what is your purpose as a journalist - is it to give hope?” I have wondered that myself in my role as a health coach and mindfulness teacher. Emma Pattee responded that she felt that was asking too much of journalists, whose job is to provide information - it is the job of philosophers and spiritual teachers to handle hope, which I thought was very fair!
So - while I have a complicated relationship with the term “hope” - it can be another bypass of the present moment’s reality - I do, in ways, want to inspire hope by sharing the tools we have to heal our own wounds, and to help others do the same, through practices that inspire connection, compassion, love and joy.
Peace is in the Present Moment
Through meditation, I deepen my practice of awareness, and find peace in the present moment much more easily than I used to. I find joy in certain melodies; mindful savoring of a meal brings deep happiness. Staring out my office window noting the trees, sky, colors, textures - wow. Sensing the cozy slippers on my feet, the solid ground beneath me. Gravity. Sublime peace now. Recognizing that - despite having a list of medical diagnoses that is more that the fingers on one hand - there is SO MUCH MORE RIGHT WITH ME THAN WRONG WITH ME. Because I am breathing. My heart is beating. Those two simple things are actual miracles, and mean that life is happening in this body. Mindfulness is quite simple to grasp, but the difficulty can be in the practice. So I begin again, and again, and again. This breath. This word. This moment. This heartbeat. Peace.
Unfortunately, all this present-moment-awareness doesn’t mean I’m able to discuss political and perspective differences with my family members who vote and believe differently. I have some growth in this area for sure. This doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes eat for comfort vs. nourishment, think judgmental thoughts about myself and others, get lazy about my exercise or organizing the papers on my desk. I still get irritated, annoyed, even angry about current national politics, greed, de-personalization, assault on science and humanity; health insurance, the price of college, and the lack of sensible child-friendly gun laws (why should someone’s right to own a gun take priority over my child’s right to feel safe from gun violence in any public place in America?), and so much more; I still veg out with Netflix after a hard day at work. About 1/3 of my meditations are just watching my mind wander away and coming back - mental reps I’ve done for decades now. So if you are thinking that Meditation is the answer to all your inner struggles - maybe it will be for you, but so far, after 23 years, that’s not true for me. What is true is that I’m kinder to myself and others. I’m in touch every day with the countless thoughts that feel real but are not “true.” And I am much less concerned with pleasing others out of fear of disappointing them or of getting in trouble, and much more concerned with serving others with love, patience, curiosity and compassion - guided by wisdom and a recognition of inter-being-ness. I care, deeply, about being a caring person, and that matters, each and every moment.
Thanks for reading my first post, friends. Beginner’s Mind is a basic tenant of Mindfulness practice, and here, I began. See you next time. May you be well, may you be happy, may you know peace and may you know LOVE.
